If Only They Came with a Manual
by Tolkien'sInkwell
Summary: Dear Mr. Hitsugaya: Congratulations on your purchase of a HYOURINMARU unit from Zanpakuto Industries. Beware, here be randomness.


**A/N: HERE BE RANDOMNESS. Totally not meant to be taken seriously in any way. At all. Will make slightly less not-sense if you've seen Zanpakuto Strike Back including episode 241 omake. Inspired by a certain fic under my Favorites tab.**

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><p>Dear Mr. Hitsugaya:<p>

Congratulations on your purchase of a HYOURINMARU unit from Zanpakuto Industries, Ltd.

**Contents:**

1 HYOURINMARU, in sealed sword form

1 sheath, dark blue

1 sash, green with optional silver medallion

1 handy materialization device

1 complimentary copy of "Bankai for Dummies," by Kisuke Urahara

**Specs:**

Type: kido; ice-based

Power level: High

**To materialize your unit:** Simply stab sword through chest of materialization device. It is recommended that you dress warmly for this maneuver, as snow accumulation and significant drops in ambient air temperature have been reported.

**To activate your unit:** HYOURINMARU is one of the few models that does not require the use of violence to activate. Factory research has shown that with firm yet courteous treatment, this unit will readily form a bond with his owner. This is an ideal model for child-prodigy Shinigami whose abilities have not yet fully matured.

However, it is necessary to establish a relationship with your HYOURINMARU fairly quickly, as otherwise he will lose interest in you and end up staring blankly and possibly attacking you.

Once materialized, your unit has two basic modes.

**Standard**

Appearance: more or less human

- Hair: green

- Eyes: silver

- Height: taller than you

- Distinguishing characteristics: X-shaped scar across face; tail; perpetual blank stare

**Combat**

Appearance: giant blue dragon

- Signs that transformation is imminent: darkened sky, copious amounts of ice

(It is recommended that you NOT attempt to activate this mode until you have achieved at least Shikai-level proficiency, and that you do so only in large, empty, unpopulated areas. Zanpakuto Industries is not responsible for any loss of life or property resulting from the misuse of your unit.)

**Compatibility:**

Your HYOURINMARU will be able to defeat most other units in a combat situation.

However, under normal circumstances he will remain calm and silent and ignore any other units he encounters. Below is a list of other units with reported compatibility issues.

HAINEKO: Will inevitably engage in persistent, annoying flirtation with your unit. It is unknown how much of this behavior is required for HYOURINMARU to snap. While further study is being conducted, we recommend that you limit exposure to this unit.

(Tip: If your unit has been cornered by HAINEKO, try to locate a nearby TOBIUME unit, as any meeting inevitably results in the two fighting with each other, giving you and your unit time to escape.)

MURAMASA: In all cases MURAMASA will attempt to get HYOURINMARU to rebel against you. It is _strongly_ recommended that these units not be allowed anywhere near each other.

RYUUJIN JAKKA: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THESE TWO UNITS INTERACT, EVER. THERE WILL BE FIRE. AND ICE. AND DESTRUCTION. In the event of a battle, your warranty will be voided.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

Q: My HYOURINMARU keeps staring blankly into the distance and attacking me if I get too close to him! Have I done something wrong?

A: Some earlier models have a glitch that periodically causes a sudden, inexplicable memory-wipe, possibly triggered by prolonged exposure to a MURAMASA unit. Exposure to Emotional Flashbacks (available through our catalogue) usually fixes the problem.

Q: My HYOURINMARU is covering every available surface with ice and/or making ice sculptures of me. Should I be concerned?

A: This behavior is likely caused by boredom; have you been exercising your unit regularly? If you see this, we recommend that you deal with it quickly, as it may be a symptom of budding separation anxiety.

Q: My HYOURINMARU keeps freezing me into my bed! What's going on?

A: ... And there's that separation anxiety we warned you about. If you can't convince him to let you go, try acting like you are in pain. That should work.

Given proper treatment, your HYOURINMARU will be a strong and faithful companion for years to come. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact our hotline at 1-800-JINZEN.


End file.
